But not all reunions, returns or sequels have that magic flare. So what's inspiring this blog? I worked a reunion shift at Pro Sports last night. Could become a thing during this interim of finding a "real job," it could not. Whatever. It definitely got me thinking about other ideas that while the original was a fine piece of work, efforts to recreate magic in these occasions? Not so much.
I'm gonna give you the 10 best [read: worst] examples of reunions, returns and sequels I can think of. To fit the criteria, a few simple rules: you must be returning to the same place, whether it's an athlete going back to a city, the cast of a movie getting back together, a TV character returning somewhere, etc. So while Brett Favre's idea to return to Minnesota for his final season in 2010, or George W. Bush's second term, were unequivocal disasters, they didn't go anywhere in between. This rule will be more loosely applied for movies and TV shows that make the list, because who knows what the characters did in between? They're not real.
Before we start, a few honorable mentions that don't have quite enough substance to warrant their own ranking: Doug Mirabelli's state trooper escort returning to Fenway Park, the Rugrats "All Grown Up" series, Russell Hantz on Survivor: Redemption Island, Darren Rovell's return to ESPN from CNBC and Dana Bahrawy's return to Hingham football.
Here we go:
10. Ken Griffey Jr. returns to Seattle Mariners
Growing up in the 1990's, every kid in Massachusetts idolized Nomar Garciaparra more than Barney, Tommy Pickles, or Bart Simpson combined. But Ken Griffey was right behind, even though he played his home games over 3,000 miles away. The backwards hat, that performance at Fenway at the 1999 Home Run Derby...kids loved them some Griffey during his original run with the Mariners from 1989-1999.
But Griffey's years with the Reds were forgettable on a number of levels, namely because of injuries. Meanwhile, Seattle (at least at first) prospered without Griffey, winning 116 games (tying a major league record) in 2001. But the nucleus of that team was pretty old, and within a few years every key contributor except Ichiro was gone. In 2009, the Mariners decided to blend together two different eras of baseball by pairing Griffey with Suzuki in the outfield. Big mistake. Griffey did hit 19 home runs in first year back, but had a batting average of just .214. 2010 was even worse. He was homerless in 33 games, hit just .184, and fell asleep in the clubhouse during a game. He voluntarily retired in June of 2010, and all we've heard from him since was that disastrous SportsCenter interview with Linda Cohn.
9. New Arrested Development episodes return on Netflix
Yikes. Don't get me wrong, absolutely love the original run of AD, which aired on FOX from 2003-2006. I didn't watch it until those episodes were available on Netflix, to be fair, but man does it sting knowing only 2 1/2 seasons of that comedic genius aired on network TV.
But the "Netflix-only" episodes that came out last summer....if you were showing those to a first-time viewer, they'd be under the false impression that the show deserved to be cancelled in the first place. George Michael with a 'stache straight up haunts you. And the fact that episodes centered around just one character, with little or no interaction from the rest of the ensemble, made it even more painful.
8. Antoine Walker returns to the Celtics
Ah, the Antoine Wiggle. Probably my second-favorite celebration of all-time, behind only Randy Moss splitting the defense. But 'Toine's second stint on the Celtics felt just plain weird. Danny Ainge's first big move as Celtics boss was trading Walker, along with Tony Delk, to the Mavericks for Jiri Welsch and Raef LaFrentz in the fall of 2003, just prior to training camp. Less than a year and a half later, 'Toine was back in a Celtics uniform after a dreadful stop in Atlanta.
He wore no. 88 immediately upon his return, to signify it was "number 8's second stint" with the Celtics. Maybe he was trying to steal Eric Lindros's thunder. Who knows, if 'Toine was concussed like Lindros, which you can kinda see, it made sense. It prompted Tommy Heinsohn to say that Antoine Walker was the third-best offensive rebounder in Celtics history, behind only Tommy himself and Paul Silas. Or maybe it was Dave Cowens, I forget. Still, after the Celtics were eliminated by the Indiana Pacers in the first round, Antoine was part of a sign-and-trade to the Miami Heat in a 5-team, 13-player trade that summer. The only thing larger than the trade wound up being Antoine's breasts, when he really let himself go and played in the D-League in Idaho.
7. Kramer returns to H & H Bagels after a 12-year strike
Disclaimer: this is the episode that spawned "Festivus" for the mainstream, and for that I'll be forever grateful. But if we're looking at it from just Kramer's perspective, it didn't work out all that well. Not even Gary Bettman has induced a work stoppage of 12 years, and when Cosmo finally did return to work, he went right back on strike, and was fired a few days later for getting gum stuck in the bagels.
6. Rafael Palmeiro returns to the Baltimore Orioles
Think the Red Sox and the Yankees were the only teams busy back in the winter of 2003-04? Sure, the Sox may have acquired Curt Schilling and Keith Foulke. Sure, the Bombers may have gotten A-Rod and Sheffield. The Orioles, however, brought it one of the most ballyhooed free agent classes in recent memory, period. Highlighted by Miguel Tejada, Javy Lopez, and of course Palmeiro (who had previously played for Baltimore 1994-98), this was supposed to push the O's into the same stratosphere as their AL East brethren.
Tejada wasn't awful, and Lopez was forgetfully awful, but Rafy became one of the faces of the steroid era when he testified before Congress in March 2005 that he "never used steroids, period!" all while pointing his finger emphatically at the judge. In August of that year, just days after his 3,000th hit, down came the hammer that he had, indeed, tested positive for using a banned substance and was suspended 10 games (back then, that was the offense for a first timer.) He batted .077 upon his return, was sent home by the O's for September, and never played in the big leagues again. Oh yeah and he's fallen off the Hall of Fame ballot.
5. Gale returns as Walter White's lab assistant
If there's anyone on this list I feel kinda sorry for, it's Gale, but I see no way around his death in which both Walt and Jesse could go on living.
Back in Season 3 of Breaking Bad, I suppose you could say Walt still hadn't passed the point of no return. Sure, he watched Jane die without doing anything to save her, but he wasn't so far immersed in criminal activities that he couldn't have let his contract with Gus run out and return to teaching high school chemistry.
That changed upon killing the two meth dealers who were about to kill Jesse, resulting in the return of his original lab partner, Gale Boetticher. It didn't really matter who Gus hired to replace Jesse, they were doomed, but if Gale had simply stayed away from the superlab, he'd still be listening to his bizarre Italian music in his apartment, maybe even brewing cups of tea for Lydia with some Stevia. Walt had to orchestrate the murder of Gale to ensure his own safety. And again, I kinda feel sorry for Gale, but being killed in a cold-blooded manner is somewhat of an occupational hazard when you're a meth cook.
4. Rudy Seanez returns to the Red Sox
(No picture available. He's Rudy Seanez.)
Theo Epstein's first year on the job for the Red Sox back in 2003 was rather incredible. Signing David Ortiz, Kevin Millar and Bill Mueller off the scrapheap paved the pay for even bigger moves the next off-season, en route to the World Series title. One major reason the Sox didn't win it all his first year as GM, however, is because of his asinine idea for "closer-by-committee," which, if you recall, was an unmitigated disaster. You remember the names: Chad Fox. Byung-Hyun Kim. Scott Williamson. And the legend himself, Rudy Seanez. Two guys, Mike Timlin and Alan Embree, did stick around for awhile, but my God what a terrible idea the "committee" approach was for Theo.
Seanez was probably the worst of the bunch, posting a 6.23 ERA in just 8 2/3 innings before being designated for assignment fairly early that season.
Fast forward to 2006, and the Red Sox have rid themselves of the 86-year gorilla in the room. A young'n by the name of Jonathan Papelbon has emerged as the closer, and to say he was Rivera-esque isn't an exaggeration. But who was one of his primary set-up men? You guessed it, Theo decided to sign Rudy Seanez again, because hey, why not, they won the World Series in 2004. Theo can do what he wants, right?
Seanez sucked almost as badly as before, posting a 4.82 ERA over 46 2/3 innings before being taken out to the pasture again. How he lasted that long is still beyond me, and if you're looking for a reason why the Red Sox missed the playoffs in 2006, his performance has to rank somewhere on that list.
3. Randy Moss returns to Vikings
Amazingly, this was the premise of some of the first blogs I ever cranked out back in 2010. The Red Sox "30 for 30" was on, but Moss was being actively shopped by the Patriots after catching just one pass in their win over the Dolphins the night before. It finally became official in the morning: Moss was heading back to Minny, back where it all began.
Brett Favre to Randy Moss? What a match made in heaven....if only it were 2001. Moss caught just 13 passes for 174 yards in four games with the Vikings that second time around before being waived. He lasted just four games! Moss's incident with a team chef is rumored to be the straw the broke the camels back, or perhaps it was his bizarrely entertaining post-game conference with the media after the Vikings played the Patriots in Foxboro in what wound up being his final game as a Viking. He said and did everything short of dropping to his knees and begging for Bill Belichick to take him back.
The Moss reunion, coupled with Brett Favre's soap opera and the firing of Brad Childress, sunk Minnesota's Super Bowl dreams just a year after being in the NFC Championship Game. Would it have gone south so quickly if Moss hadn't been there? Hard to say, but they finished 6-10, and have made the playoffs just once since, despite having Adrian Peterson all this time.
The Vikings gave up a third-round pick for the embattled receiver from Rand University, which the Patriots wound up using on Ryan Mallett. Hey, could he have been any worse than the trio of Christian Ponder, Matt Cassel and Josh Freeman? Moss went on to catch 6 passes for 80 yards for the final 8 games of the season with the Titans, taking a year off from football, and catching on for one last go-round with the 49ers in 2012.
2. The NHL returns to Atlanta
Gary Bettman has made some straight up terrible decisions as commissioner of the National Hockey League during his tenure. Three work-stoppages stand out, not to mention his "Sun Belt Expansion," placing teams in non-traditional hockey markets across the southern United States.
But none was a bigger disaster than the expansion Atlanta Thrashers, marking the NHL's return to a city it had already abandoned once in 1980, when the Flames fled for Calgary.
The Thrashers were doomed from the start, passing on the Sedin twins with the no. 1 overall pick in the 1999 draft for Patrick Stefan, who's most famous for this later on in his career with Dallas. The Thrashers did have some great players in their history, notably Ilya Kovalchuk, Marian Hossa, Danny Heatley and Marc Savard. But you'll notice one thing with all of them: one-dimensional, offensive-minded players. Which is fine, if you have a good defensive corps, but they never did.
ESPN.com attendance data only goes back through the 2000-01 season, but the Thrashers never finished higher than 22nd (out of 30 teams) during their 11-year run in the ATL. They made the playoffs just once, too, being swept by the New York Rangers in the first round in 2007-08. Bettman finally pulled the plug on the experiment in 2011, permitting a sale of the team to a group out of Winnipeg, spawning the rebirth of the Jets. If I ever blog about the best reunion tours ever, though, don't expect that one to make the list anytime soon, because they themselves haven't made the playoffs in three years in Manitoba. At least their rink sells out every night.
1. Anchorman II & Caddyshack II
You can't call it a cop-out for having a tie at number one when the top two comedies of all-time were so disgraced by their sequels, the damage to the originals is palpable.
First things first: the cast of Caddyshack II is almost completely different than the original, with only Chevy Chase reprising his role as Ty Webb. No Rodney Dangerfield, no Judge Smails, no Danny Noonan....but there was a talking gopher and a mini-golf course. My head hurts just thinking about it.
Anchorman II didn't have the same casting issues. Every significant character was back, it was well spaced out too (just like Caddyshack's I and II), but it just....wasn't funny. I won't bore you with specific reasons why, I just can't remember ever being so disappointed walking out of a movie theater. The brawl at the end was forced beyond belief, for starters. Brick wasn't the same, and not enough Brian Fantana or Champ Kind, and least not funny parts. This is sure to be the most controversial inclusion on this list, I can already tell.
And there you have it. The 10 (ok 11) worst reunions, returns and sequels of all-time. Like the list? Hate the list? Think I forgot a few? Let me know, I'm always available on twitter @levman90. Thanks for reading.
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