Why I'm Sick of Fantasy Football

Editor's Note: This column appears in the Jan. 8 issue of the Norwood Record, so it may be without the trademark snark, sarcasm and profanity you're used to here. Hope you enjoy it anyways.

Full disclaimer here: I’m a die-hard New England Patriots fan.

This means that, among other things, I can look forward to every single game they play. It’s been a given coming into any season in the Brady/Belichick epoch that they’ll win more games than they lose, usually a substantial number more. This year being no different: they went 12-4, finishing above .500 for the 14^th season in a row. Say what you will about their post-season failures since 2004, but the fact remains that, in reality, Patriots fans have it made. A competitive team to watch week in, week out and season in, season out.

Reality. Remember that word.

           

Now, if I were a fan of the Oakland Raiders, Jacksonville Jaguars, New York Jets…take your pick of any downtrodden franchise, I may not wake up Sundays with the same enthusiasm I do for my team’s game.

We talk a lot in Boston about “cueing the duckboats,” the means of transportation for a championship team along the parade route through Boston following a title.  Whatever the equivalent of a duckboat is in Oakland, they’re probably ready to cue them if Oakland can finish above .500 anytime soon. For fans of those teams, I can totally understand wanting to live in a fantasy instead of a reality…

But even if the Patriots did stumble into a decade of futility, I don’t think I would have it in me to go off and live in a fantasy. I’m talking about fantasy football, of course.

Do I play fantasy football myself? I do. I’ve had a league with my high school buddies since 2006, and I’m coming off my fourth championship in nine seasons. A better run than the Pats, if you think about it. How many of you reading this care about how good I am at fantasy football? I hope the number is zero. Because I couldn’t care less about how your team is doing, either.

I don’t mean that in a mean-spirited way. I’m simply saying, and I’ve been noticing this for the last several years especially, that more and more people are bragging about their fantasy teams as if anyone outside of their league cares.

You have Tom Brady on your fantasy team? So do millions of other people. He’s not your player. Tom Brady got you 40 fantasy points this past weekend? Tell me how he got those points. How many touchdowns did he throw? Did he have any interceptions? What about passing yards? Did his real team, you know, win the real game? Players don’t earn a bust in Canton based on how many fantasy points they accumulated in their career.

But some people are so engulfed in their fantasy world that they might not care to know the difference between Brady and an average-to-below average quarterback. Jay Cutler, for instance. In standard Yahoo! leagues, did you know that over the course of 16 games, Cutler had only 23 fewer fantasy points than Brady? About 1.5 fewer points per game, which means conceivably, you still could have won a fantasy championship with Cutler instead of Brady at quarterback for your team this year.

Could you win a real, actual Super Bowl title this year with Cutler instead of Brady? Of course not! Cutler threw twice as many interceptions (18) as Brady did (9), for starters. Cutler’s Bears went 5-11, and things got so bad later in the season that he got benched. He’s in all likelihood done in Chicago.

It goes beyond the dumbing-down of football fans, too. How many times have you been sitting in your living room, at a bar, in a dorm room, etc. listening to your friends tell you what needs to happen for them in order to win in fantasy that week?

Simply put, it’s annoying, and sucks the enjoyment out of the real games. The old “oh I need 10 points from Peyton Manning, but I’m playing the kid with Demaryius Thomas so Peyton can only throw touchdowns to Wes Welker” routine. The “I have Aaron Rodgers and Detroit’s defense, but the Packers are playing the Lions so I can’t have Rodgers have too good of a game.” And don’t even get me started on the people who are in multiple leagues. “Well you see I have Tony Romo in one league but I’m playing against him in another, but I have DeMarco Murray in both leagues so as long as the Cowboys run the ball I’m fine.”

Make it stop!

NFL RedZone might be another issue for another column, but it sure hasn’t helped curb the number of fantasy addicts. And back to my point on being a Patriots fan for a second, if I were a Browns or Redskins fan, I might enjoy watching bits and pieces of other games instead of being tortured through the entirety of my favorite team’s own game. That aspect of RedZone, I get. But the people who would rather watch RedZone to see how their fantasy team is doing, instead of watching the Patriots, should partake in one of those Aaron Hernandez-jersey swap programs, and turn in their fan card for an “I Live in a Fantasy” t-shirt.

Roger Goodell, the commissioner of the NFL, has had some pretty terrible ideas during his tenure. Expanding the regular season to 18 games, Thursday Night Football and placing a team in London, just to name a few. Implementing new rules that aid offenses, such as an increased emphasis on defensive holding, all for the sake of fantasy football, has to rank at or near the top of the list of his boneheaded moves. (I won’t get into Goodell’s handling of the Ray Rice situation, because the facts are all still pretty murky there, but don’t think I forgot about that one).

Fantasy football will continue to be a part of the mainstream, this is unavoidable. Forbes.com reported in 2013 that it’s a $70 billion industry. $70 BILLION. There’s a pretty good chance I’ll be renewing my league for its 10^th season next fall, too, because why not.  It’s a great secondary activity on Sundays. I’m not going to discourage anyone from playing fantasy football, but merely try to make them reconsider where their priorities lie.

Ponder this one when you’re watching the remainder of the NFL playoffs: would you rather see the Patriots win the Super Bowl this season, or would you rather see your fantasy team win its championship? If you had to pause for more than a few seconds to think about it, I’ll help you out: without Tom Brady’s four touchdown passes, zero interceptions and 400 passing yards, your fantasy team isn’t getting the 40 points it so desperately needs.

Without reality, there is no fantasy.