NFL Week 16 Picks--Festivus Style

If I had a dollar for every time someone came in to Pro Sports this week, bought something, and departed with a "Merry Christmas"....do these people just assume everyone's Christian? Shameful, shameful. If one, just ONE person had said "a happy Festivus to the rest of us" to me, it would have made it all better. So these Week 16 NFL picks are going to be like a Festivus celebration, complete with the Airing of Grievances in the way all of these teams have disappointed me over the past year. I don't like my chances in pinning the head of my household down, and I may not have a traditional Festivus pole, but here we go.

Last Week: 7-7-2
Season: 102-110-12
Locks of the Week: 9-6 (Colts upended Titans in Week 15)


This Week: 0-1


Home team in CAPS

CHIEFS (-2.5) over Raiders


What the hell is wrong with the Raiders, giving up potentially two first round picks for Carson Palmer? He's thrown as many interceptions as his replacement in Cincinnati, Andy Dalton (13) already. In 182 fewer attempts. And of course, the Raiders have also traded 2nd, 3rd, and 4th round picks in recent years to acquire other quarterbacks (Jason Campbell, Terrelle Pryor). (Un)fortunately for Raiders fans, Al Davis has already been pinned to the ground. Actually, he's in the ground.

Broncos (-2.5) over BILLS


Tim Tebow is going to have to accept the fact that Festivus is my religion, I don't care how up in my grill he gets. And the Bills? After that 5-2 start, including a win over the Patriots, have dropped 7 in a row. Ryan Fitzpatrick, like many Harvard grads, is getting rich upon graduation. But unlike his fellow Crimson, he's stealing his fortune, to the tune of $59 million dollars from the good people of Buffalo.

Jaguars (+7.5) over TITANS


Where do I begin with these two teams? The Jaguars, cutting their starting quarterback a week before the season started? Did they expect this season to turn out any differently? Fortunately for them, they run into the Titans, whose grievances range from losing to the winless Colts last week, toChris Johnson's tremendously disappointing season. And to think, before last week, they were very much in playoff contention too.

Cardinals (+4.5) over BENGALS


Not much to air out with the Bengals, as the Andy Dalton to AJ Green combination has already surpassed the old Carson Palmer to Chad Ochocinco connection. In fact, with a win today, they could even position themselves to grab a wild-card spot. The Cardinals? Sure, it's a bland 7-7, but the fact remains they're still mathematically alive for January action. And the last time they finished 9-7? They went to the Super Bowl, for what it's worth. Bengals homefield advantage in non-existent, however, and the John Skelton/Larry Fitzgerald tandem has been equally as surprising, if not effective.

PATRIOTS (-8.5) over Dolphins


Watching quarterbacks such as Rex Grossman, Mark Sanchez, and Vince Young look elite against the Patriots secondary is definitely a grievance I need to air. But when there's a legitimate chance that a tight end could land a Madden cover spot next season? I mean, how much is there to truly complain about? Especially when your team is very quietly 11-3 and not being talked about nationally to the degree they normally are.

RAVENS (-12) over Browns


Okay, so if you're a Ravens fan, you sweep the Steelers, and potentially still might have to play in Pittsburgh in the post-season? Ray Lewis needs to be careful when he pins Joe Flacco at the Ravens Festivus celebration that he doesn't kill him, like he did that guy in Atlanta way back when. Was that in poor taste?

Giants (-3) over Jets


I liked Jerry Thornton's take on this game on twitter. It's like the Iran-Iraq war, just root for casualties. Giants are more desperate than the Jets in this battle of New Jersey. And I'll air a quick grievance here: Eli Manning can't be "elite" if his team is 7-7 after a 6-2 start. And yes I'm aware that one win during the free fall was against the Patriots.

REDSKINS (-6.5) over Vikings


It's the Donovan McNabb revenge game! Oh, wait. It's just Rex Grossman vs. Christian Ponder. Talk about two franchises stuck in mediocrity. I don't even know where to begin with the list of grievances here, other than that the Redskins just got screwed over by Matt Barkley staying in school, and the good people of Minnesota must still be none too happy with a certain quarterback from Mississippi.

PANTHERS (-7.5) over Buccaneers


If I don't get a Cam Newton jersey for Festivus, as I asked for, I'm going to be none too happy with the head of this household. Maybe it will give me the superhuman strength I'd need to take down the former NHL enforcer PGA Senior Tour member head of the household.

STEELERS (-11.5) over Rams


Sure, if you're a Steelers fan, you can be upset your team employs a rapist, a terrorist sympathizer, and James Harrison. But that's got nothing on being a Rams fan, where at 15-63, you have the NFL's worst record since the start of the 2007 season. However, with the Colts recent surge, they're still in play for the number 1 overall pick. Which would make things very, very interesting, since Sam Bradford still seems to be the QB of the future here.

LIONS (-2) over Chargers


I know I'm picking the Lions here, but they have no right to air grievances being in playoff contention just three years after going 0-16. How about the Chargers instead. Let's say they win out some how and win the AFC West. Does that mean Norv Turner gets to stick around another year, even if they lose in the first round? After leading yet another crazy December comeback? Personally I think Norv's destiny is to coach the Miami Heat. Can you imagine LeBron James in the 4th quarter? Who owns the fourth quarter (of the season) quite like Norvy and his Chargers? I'm shaking just thinking about this possibility.

49ers (-1.5) over SEAHAWKS


It's hard to complain if you're a fan other either team that you're in the positions you find yourselves with Alex Smith and Tavaris Jackson manning the helm. But is that in of itself a grievance? What if each team actually had a real quarterback? The 49ers could be 14-0, right? The Seahawks could at least be a wild-card shoo-in, right?

EAGLES (+1) over Cowboys


Far, far too many grievances to air for each team. Good luck pinning Andy Reid to the ground, whoever's responsibility that may be. I guess if it's one of his sons in a coked-out rampage, anything's possible. Or Vick could stick a pit bull on him. And let's not even get started with the Romocoaster.

PACKERS (-11.5) over Bears


Why didn't the Bears sign Brett Favre? Or even Donovan McNabb? Dammit Doug Flutie or Vinny Testaverde could have done a better job keeping them afloat without Cutler than Caleb Hanie. But it's alright. It's a Festivus miracle! Josh McCown is starting tomorrow night, with the season on the line! That's right, the same guy who lasted exactly two starts as the Jaguars quarterback this season before being benched in favor of Blaine Gabbert!

SAINTS (-7) over Falcons


Not a lot to complain about in either locale, save for perhaps Matt Ryan's inconsistencies in the ATL. I have no grievances to air, either, about the season's final Monday night game actually being a watchable contest. And with that, the Festivus picks have come to an end. Now where's Steve Lev? Naturally he's not here right now, because as you all know, the holiday isn't officially over until the head of the household is pinned. To the rest of you, happy Festivus, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or whatever else you may celebrate this holiday season.